Living Inside My Head

This poem is originally posted to my defunct Friendster blog last December 4, 2006. I'm reposting it now here, perfect for the winter season. Now the River Moskva is frozen, It mirrors the faint light of the sun Such beauty I have never seen in a long time. The Kremlin stood eloquently at the other side Within its red walls soldiers are passing by While peasants sing with their balalaikas. I feel the cold wind gushing against me And when I look again at the other side of the river A narrow street opens before me. So when I walk between the avenue of leafless trees A sense of nostalgia engulfs me I want to see the remnants of a heaven in earth. Now the onion-shaped domes are visible from here The faint chanting resounded from that one place That I have been longing to see. Before her divine likeness I fell on my knees Kissed the snow-white ground and whispered a prayer That I hope to reach the heavens. Lovely Moskva, a beauty that never fades ‘Til the end of life I shall never forge

I wrote this poem in August 2006. I just found the golden leaves and cool air such a melancholic view.  Life languish like the falling leaves, Vanishing with the last beam of twilight, Golden waters, golden skies… Cool days, cool nights… Press the silver upon my dying crown, Cradle the relic of yesterday’s hopes, Is there a future watching over me? In some way, I want to believe… Put the colors on my palette So I can paint the color of humanity: Ashen faces, jaded thoughts… Raven wings, red destinies… Although one’s hourglass is running out, When I waste to dust, colors will fade, But let them burn while they can… Let them flicker in the wind… Perhaps then life becomes a miracle…

I was poking around in my cabinet awhile ago and found a bunch of miscellaneous papers stocked there. When I look at them one by one, I was amazed to see all the drawings and sketches I did way back when I was in high school. Most of them are drawings of anime characters, costumes, houses and sceneries. There are also numerous scratch papers, several unfinished drawings, and stories that I didn’t finished writing. I never touched them for several years and I was overcome with nostalgia of the old days. I can safely say that I was really good in drawing and painting way back then. Unfortunately, drawing and painting is something that I have neglected for the past years, especially when I reached college. It never developed, and now, I don’t know if I still have that artistic capacity. I remembered, almost pensively, my art textbook when I was in elementary and how I always get a grade of no lower than 90% for my works. One of those works (which I was asked to drew in a 1/4 illustration

It was supposed to be in the summer of ‘09 - our trip. But then, we had to cancel it because of the conflict in our schedule. We were both busy - each of us had a rather demanding and quite stressful job. It’s as if I’m a bird clutched by my master and struggling very hard for air to breathe. I felt suffocated. It was stuffy and the pressure was too much to bear. And I wanted freedom. Freedom from a thankless job.. Freedom from the pressures of what I must do.. It was rather taxing..especially when the eleventh month started. We just had celebrated our two years together that previous month, and now our relationship was hanging in a fine thread. At that period, I was doing everything at the same time. I was studying, working, maintaining a relationship, and at the same time, dealing with everyday household problems. It was too much, I thought, but I know I can manage. Then suddenly, I can’t go on anymore. At that time, there was no one I can count on. There was no one to talk to. Ever