Living Inside My Head

I lost my cellphone and wallet last August 27, 2012. My family and I had been to Trinoma Mall in Quezon City. At around 7pm, we decided to ride a bus en route to Pampanga. Unfortunately, when we were about to take the bus, two women, who pretended to be passengers, apparently blocked me from getting on the bus. They have an accomplice or rather accomplices, and those accomplices were able to snatched my cellphone and wallet in just a blink of an eye without me even noticing it. I realized that my bag had already been opened to my horror. That was it. I lost my cellphone, wallet, and all the important IDs inside my wallet. Curse them! Good thing that my cellphone was a cheap one. And my only money inside the wallet was a 1 thousand peso bill. Not that bad. My IDs are easy to get, so I am not that sad at all. Perhaps the only thing that it's rather difficult to accept was the reality that more and more people nowadays are resorting to numerous crimes just for them to be able to feed ...

These past few days, I've been spending much of my free-time watching old-school anime. Back when I was young, I used to watch Japanese anime a lot. I remember turning on the TV early in the morning to watch my favorite animes, and the anime programmes would continue until early in the evening. I also remember being impatient to go home to watch, and end my day going to bed feelings satisfied but at the same excited for the next day. Those were the glorious times of anime in our local television channels. Nowadays, almost no anime is being shown on TV. They were disappointingly replaced by Korean and Mexican soap operas. I have nothing against this current phenomenon, but as a child growing up devouring every single anime on TV and turning them into inspiration, I was and am totally sad and disappointed with what is happening. Children of the '90s in our country, in my opinion, were more well-grounded, simpler, more inspired, more well-motivated and more care-free but cert...

Summer is now here. And today's weather was very hot, with temperatures soaring up to 30 degrees Celsius. While it wasn't the hottest ever recorded, the day was still stifling hot and dry, with no clouds and wind. It's very difficult to move around - even the slightest activity can greatly reduce one's energy. I drink more water than usual, and my appetite is poor. Clearly, summer-time and summer-heat are the most daunting experience in a year for me, and I really hate this season although food is more abundant than ever, with all kinds of fruits and vegetables available in the market today. In addition, I'm not in my productive moments in this season. Honestly, I still prefer the rainy days. :)

Dad's birthday + trip in Subic Bay + baby-sitter for my 1-year-old nephew + Internet surfing + Sim-ming for days = tired! All I need now is a good night's sleep. Whew! 

If I were to die today, I'd die a broken woman.

Few weeks ago, I was suffering from depression, exhaustion and a general feeling of weakness. Those were terrible times for me, and the most terrible I have ever experienced in my entire life. I felt I had no life at all. Everyday I felt hopelessness, fear and anxiety. I had no peace of mind, and my lack of sleep made my feeling even worse. I found myself crying almost everyday that I thought I'd suffer a breakdown. I felt so miserable. I was no longer enjoying myself, my life..Even simple things that most people overlook seemed so precious to me. That kind of life and that way of life was never for me. I knew it from the very beginning. But I thought I could give it a try, keeping in my mind that nothing in this world is simple. And yet in the end, I still prove to be right. Now I'm happy that I was able to do away with that kind of life. It was a great relief for me: sleeping in the night, being with my loved ones during the weekends and the holidays, spending time with my f...

It's almost bedtime but I can't sleep. I don't feel like going to sleep. When I don't have peace of mind, it's difficult to sleep. So painful. I'm thinking about him. I'm thinking about his current situation, his seemingly hopeless situation. The difficulties he had and he have to go through. That's right. I I almost forgot that it has been two years since those dreadful times, but until now it isn't over yet. And things can still get worse over time. Everytime I think about him, and what he's been going through, I can't help myself but break down and cry. The thought that he's been suffering pains my heart so much that sometimes I can't bear to listen to him anymore. The distance that is separating us prevents me from being by his side every time he needs support. I wish there is something I can do to help him other than supporting him emotionally. Unfortunately, even emotional support is sometimes very difficult to give. I always ha...

It was supposed to be in the summer of ‘09 - our trip. But then, we had to cancel it because of the conflict in our schedule. We were both busy - each of us had a rather demanding and quite stressful job. It’s as if I’m a bird clutched by my master and struggling very hard for air to breathe. I felt suffocated. It was stuffy and the pressure was too much to bear. And I wanted freedom. Freedom from a thankless job.. Freedom from the pressures of what I must do.. It was rather taxing..especially when the eleventh month started. We just had celebrated our two years together that previous month, and now our relationship was hanging in a fine thread. At that period, I was doing everything at the same time. I was studying, working, maintaining a relationship, and at the same time, dealing with everyday household problems. It was too much, I thought, but I know I can manage. Then suddenly, I can’t go on anymore. At that time, there was no one I can count on. There was ...

I was standing there beside the casket, feeling helpless.. as I watch the person I love shed the most inconsolable tears. I wanted to stay by his side but I can’t. At that time I thought I ought to stay beside him and comfort him as much as I can. But I was hesistant. I didn’t dare to interrupt because those around him are his family. I’m not a part of the family so I know where I should stand..where I should place myself. Maybe some of them don’t want me near him. It’s more painful and hard for me because at that time I can’t do anything to ease his suffering…to comfort him and encourage him to be strong. I know how much he have wanted me to stayed by his side but then everytime I come near him, I was being pushed away by those people. I felt humiliated. And I have to endure that. People are all staring at us. But I didn’t feel ashamed anymore. Why should I? In that terrible moment, somehow, I gained the strength of will to bear all. I w...

I’m so sick of everything… I’m so fed-up with what is happening that I just want to be left alone. I need a time to be alone..completely alone. I think I’m beginning to lose a part of me and I do not feel free anymore, in whatever aspect of my life. This whole place is causing me to withdraw more and more inside me, and if I’ll be given a chance to travel somewhere far far away, I’ll be more than happy and thankful to accept it. At least it’s a way to forget everything even for just a while and be by myself completely without the irritating influence of the people around me. Honestly speaking, everything and eveyone is starting to get on my nerves. There is no more place where I can be left at peace and anywhere I turn it’s a whole world of mess and disorder. It’s like I’m being confine into a dark and gloomy place and little by little my whole being is rotting like a corpse. I feel very unhappy, and right now there’s no...

My first experiences with Orthodox churches was when I was in elementary. Back then I was quite naive with matters about religion, what more, matters outside that of my own. I do not remember exactly when I started feeling interested and later fascinated with the onion-shaped domes of Orthodox churches. Everytime I see the colorful cupolas of the St. Basil Cathedral, I’m reminded that my church does not possess such a lovely feature. More and more, I begun to wonder about the interiors of such churches: How do they look like inside? Are they beautiful? In fact, they are more beautiful than I first thought. Russian churches are particularly magnificent and sumptuous beyond anything I’ve seen. They are complete contrast to the simple and austere interiors of Protestant churches that I have known since a child. The cathedral door is huge and heavy. Actually, the church itself is huge and towering high in the skies. The exteriors are heavily painted with different colors sometim...

Time is passing so fast. It is not something that can be stopped. It seems to me that it is all that moves, leaving me behind, racing past me. But nothing seems to change… I wake up in the morning, go to school, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep, and the same again the next day. Then I think about the fact that there are numbers of people who do the same thing. That’s right. I’m not the only one who goes through this. But isn’t it tiresome to do things over and over again? I feel like I’m missing something every time. I’m not sure what to do, but I still wonder if this is alright as it is. But when something is ruined or lost, I feel like I would notice how happy daily life could be. Yet the future exists… and people’s worries continue to grow… so do mine. One shouldn’t expect it to be just me who succumbs to these kinds of thoughts. Everyone has them. But most people live their lives without being mindful of these things. ...

It was never been easy growing up with a sense of being an ‘inferior’. It constantly reminds me of a well-known fact– that we humans, no matter how powerful or famous we are on earth, are just insignificant specks when exposed to the vastness of the universe. And when they die, they take with them nothing. People are different from each other- have different beliefs, different ways of life and different mindsets- but they are similar in one thing: they do not know what they really want. …And it’s very hard to please them. You feed them with knowledge, with principles, with goodness, but they still crave for more even though they feel like already throwing up. How pathetic. When I’m alone, I always reflect on so many things and always find for something that will raise my curiosity. I have been shy all my life, and almost contemptuously labelled this as an ‘emotional disability’. It may sound pathetic to other people, but this perhaps is t...