Living Inside My Head

Thank you for a whole year of incomparable love and true happiness. I will never get tired of thanking God for giving you to me, and how happy and immensely proud I am for having you in my life. You are my lover and my partner, but you are also my very bestfriend, who is always there for me everytime I need a shoulder to cry on. You are my confidant, and my secrets are only revealed to you. There’s nothing more that I could ask for. Thank you for bringing out the best in me and for believing in my abilities. Because of you, I want to become a better person and I love myself more. You are my sunshine who lightens up every dark corner of my world, and from you I draw my strength and my hope. I’m in my happiest when I’m with you but when we are apart, I’m learning to become strong and grow as an individual. I’m no longer someone who believes that I’m nothing in this world. But that I exist for a better reason.

I’m so sick of everything… I’m so fed-up with what is happening that I just want to be left alone. I need a time to be alone..completely alone. I think I’m beginning to lose a part of me and I do not feel free anymore, in whatever aspect of my life. This whole place is causing me to withdraw more and more inside me, and if I’ll be given a chance to travel somewhere far far away, I’ll be more than happy and thankful to accept it. At least it’s a way to forget everything even for just a while and be by myself completely without the irritating influence of the people around me. Honestly speaking, everything and eveyone is starting to get on my nerves. There is no more place where I can be left at peace and anywhere I turn it’s a whole world of mess and disorder. It’s like I’m being confine into a dark and gloomy place and little by little my whole being is rotting like a corpse. I feel very unhappy, and right now there’s no...

 "Don’t be afraid to show your feelings." I will never forget his words. They went straight into my mind and heart. I thought I will never hear those words from anyone. He’s so understanding and loving that he encourages me to come out from my shell…to become who I really am, to express myself. I’m always afraid of so many things. I worry too much. I cannot be myself when I’m in front of people. It’s as if anytime, they will hurt me. I’m vulnerable. I’m weak. I’m irresolute. And most of the time, I don’t want to show that. That’s why I’m trying to look strong. But when I’m alone, I cry. I become depress. I’m falling deep deep down to that black crevice of loneliness. Somehow I find it a refuge, and after that I will emerge from it again. Relieved but still gloomy within. His love can save me..it saves me. When I think of him, I realize that I’m not alone as I really think. That I ha...

 You are an object standing beside the windowstill. A prisoner of sadness, no one can save you… The lambent candlelight is being eaten by the darkness that surrounds you. Once I touch you, you changed to a thousand tears. What are you thinking about as you vanished with the dying starlight? Cold eyes that embrace hatred, your sadness will never disappear even if you despise yourself. But I can only look at your eyes. I can’t even hold you. Because I’m weak, I’m alone… I can only keep on remembering you and my unchanging feelings towards you. Oh how I want to see you again… The fading sound of footsteps, the vanishing world behind me, your cheerless face, I don’t even know where I’m going. Pangs of loneliness eat your soul away…what can I do to see your smile? I want you to give me your heart. Because you are more than anyone else, and even if the sun doesn’t rise, I still have you in the freezing moonlight.

My first experiences with Orthodox churches was when I was in elementary. Back then I was quite naive with matters about religion, what more, matters outside that of my own. I do not remember exactly when I started feeling interested and later fascinated with the onion-shaped domes of Orthodox churches. Everytime I see the colorful cupolas of the St. Basil Cathedral, I’m reminded that my church does not possess such a lovely feature. More and more, I begun to wonder about the interiors of such churches: How do they look like inside? Are they beautiful? In fact, they are more beautiful than I first thought. Russian churches are particularly magnificent and sumptuous beyond anything I’ve seen. They are complete contrast to the simple and austere interiors of Protestant churches that I have known since a child. The cathedral door is huge and heavy. Actually, the church itself is huge and towering high in the skies. The exteriors are heavily painted with different colors sometim...

Amidst the many insignificant things crowding my thoughts, there is a place I always want to go. To a land so pure and unknown to anyone, veiled from other people’s prying eyes, hidden deep beneath the chaos of my mind. This is the creation of thoughts and feelings fused together. A manifestation of something incorporeal but cursed with an endless succession of bad luck. There, the one-eyed moon stares down at every creature and the wings of passion are forever bind by the chains of agony. A pool of water forms from the tears of heaven and blood is what sprinkles the earth. The kind of world that now belongs to the distant past, inexistent, hanging in the sky, only but a reflection of something about to come.

There is a blinding light that overwhelms all emotions, and voices are faintly singing in a language I do not understand. For a moment, it is hard to close one’s eyes and I seem to forget about my troubles. There is a faint silhouette who beckons me to come closer. A warm feeling cradled my heart so intimately by merely looking at your clear piercing eyes. I thought I had already seen them in my childhood dreams or from a time in the past I can no longer remember. Still, I know that voice resembles someone else’s so well. Why am I reminded of a scenery that seems to be made up of things I can’t even see? I had thrown away so much but when I look at you I thought it was all in vain. Something is always coming back and now I can glimpse the other side of midnight. Almost sadly, the blinding light disappears with the swirl of doves. Now silence ensued as I turn my eyes to the wonderful cascades of pure will and glowing wishes. Farewell to you. Someday, for sure, you and I will meet again....