Living Inside My Head

I wrote this poem in August 2006. I just found the golden leaves and cool air such a melancholic view.  Life languish like the falling leaves, Vanishing with the last beam of twilight, Golden waters, golden skies… Cool days, cool nights… Press the silver upon my dying crown, Cradle the relic of yesterday’s hopes, Is there a future watching over me? In some way, I want to believe… Put the colors on my palette So I can paint the color of humanity: Ashen faces, jaded thoughts… Raven wings, red destinies… Although one’s hourglass is running out, When I waste to dust, colors will fade, But let them burn while they can… Let them flicker in the wind… Perhaps then life becomes a miracle…

I was poking around in my cabinet awhile ago and found a bunch of miscellaneous papers stocked there. When I look at them one by one, I was amazed to see all the drawings and sketches I did way back when I was in high school. Most of them are drawings of anime characters, costumes, houses and sceneries. There are also numerous scratch papers, several unfinished drawings, and stories that I didn’t finished writing. I never touched them for several years and I was overcome with nostalgia of the old days. I can safely say that I was really good in drawing and painting way back then. Unfortunately, drawing and painting is something that I have neglected for the past years, especially when I reached college. It never developed, and now, I don’t know if I still have that artistic capacity. I remembered, almost pensively, my art textbook when I was in elementary and how I always get a grade of no lower than 90% for my works. One of those works (which I was asked to drew in a 1/4 il...

It was supposed to be in the summer of ‘09 - our trip. But then, we had to cancel it because of the conflict in our schedule. We were both busy - each of us had a rather demanding and quite stressful job. It’s as if I’m a bird clutched by my master and struggling very hard for air to breathe. I felt suffocated. It was stuffy and the pressure was too much to bear. And I wanted freedom. Freedom from a thankless job.. Freedom from the pressures of what I must do.. It was rather taxing..especially when the eleventh month started. We just had celebrated our two years together that previous month, and now our relationship was hanging in a fine thread. At that period, I was doing everything at the same time. I was studying, working, maintaining a relationship, and at the same time, dealing with everyday household problems. It was too much, I thought, but I know I can manage. Then suddenly, I can’t go on anymore. At that time, there was no one I can count on. There was ...

I was standing there beside the casket, feeling helpless.. as I watch the person I love shed the most inconsolable tears. I wanted to stay by his side but I can’t. At that time I thought I ought to stay beside him and comfort him as much as I can. But I was hesistant. I didn’t dare to interrupt because those around him are his family. I’m not a part of the family so I know where I should stand..where I should place myself. Maybe some of them don’t want me near him. It’s more painful and hard for me because at that time I can’t do anything to ease his suffering…to comfort him and encourage him to be strong. I know how much he have wanted me to stayed by his side but then everytime I come near him, I was being pushed away by those people. I felt humiliated. And I have to endure that. People are all staring at us. But I didn’t feel ashamed anymore. Why should I? In that terrible moment, somehow, I gained the strength of will to bear all. I w...

Thank you for a whole year of incomparable love and true happiness. I will never get tired of thanking God for giving you to me, and how happy and immensely proud I am for having you in my life. You are my lover and my partner, but you are also my very bestfriend, who is always there for me everytime I need a shoulder to cry on. You are my confidant, and my secrets are only revealed to you. There’s nothing more that I could ask for. Thank you for bringing out the best in me and for believing in my abilities. Because of you, I want to become a better person and I love myself more. You are my sunshine who lightens up every dark corner of my world, and from you I draw my strength and my hope. I’m in my happiest when I’m with you but when we are apart, I’m learning to become strong and grow as an individual. I’m no longer someone who believes that I’m nothing in this world. But that I exist for a better reason.

I’m so sick of everything… I’m so fed-up with what is happening that I just want to be left alone. I need a time to be alone..completely alone. I think I’m beginning to lose a part of me and I do not feel free anymore, in whatever aspect of my life. This whole place is causing me to withdraw more and more inside me, and if I’ll be given a chance to travel somewhere far far away, I’ll be more than happy and thankful to accept it. At least it’s a way to forget everything even for just a while and be by myself completely without the irritating influence of the people around me. Honestly speaking, everything and eveyone is starting to get on my nerves. There is no more place where I can be left at peace and anywhere I turn it’s a whole world of mess and disorder. It’s like I’m being confine into a dark and gloomy place and little by little my whole being is rotting like a corpse. I feel very unhappy, and right now there’s no...

 "Don’t be afraid to show your feelings." I will never forget his words. They went straight into my mind and heart. I thought I will never hear those words from anyone. He’s so understanding and loving that he encourages me to come out from my shell…to become who I really am, to express myself. I’m always afraid of so many things. I worry too much. I cannot be myself when I’m in front of people. It’s as if anytime, they will hurt me. I’m vulnerable. I’m weak. I’m irresolute. And most of the time, I don’t want to show that. That’s why I’m trying to look strong. But when I’m alone, I cry. I become depress. I’m falling deep deep down to that black crevice of loneliness. Somehow I find it a refuge, and after that I will emerge from it again. Relieved but still gloomy within. His love can save me..it saves me. When I think of him, I realize that I’m not alone as I really think. That I ha...