Living Inside My Head

 You are an object standing beside the windowstill. A prisoner of sadness, no one can save you… The lambent candlelight is being eaten by the darkness that surrounds you. Once I touch you, you changed to a thousand tears. What are you thinking about as you vanished with the dying starlight? Cold eyes that embrace hatred, your sadness will never disappear even if you despise yourself. But I can only look at your eyes. I can’t even hold you. Because I’m weak, I’m alone… I can only keep on remembering you and my unchanging feelings towards you. Oh how I want to see you again… The fading sound of footsteps, the vanishing world behind me, your cheerless face, I don’t even know where I’m going. Pangs of loneliness eat your soul away…what can I do to see your smile? I want you to give me your heart. Because you are more than anyone else, and even if the sun doesn’t rise, I still have you in the freezing moonlight.

My first experiences with Orthodox churches was when I was in elementary. Back then I was quite naive with matters about religion, what more, matters outside that of my own. I do not remember exactly when I started feeling interested and later fascinated with the onion-shaped domes of Orthodox churches. Everytime I see the colorful cupolas of the St. Basil Cathedral, I’m reminded that my church does not possess such a lovely feature. More and more, I begun to wonder about the interiors of such churches: How do they look like inside? Are they beautiful? In fact, they are more beautiful than I first thought. Russian churches are particularly magnificent and sumptuous beyond anything I’ve seen. They are complete contrast to the simple and austere interiors of Protestant churches that I have known since a child. The cathedral door is huge and heavy. Actually, the church itself is huge and towering high in the skies. The exteriors are heavily painted with different colors sometimes to an al

Amidst the many insignificant things crowding my thoughts, there is a place I always want to go. To a land so pure and unknown to anyone, veiled from other people’s prying eyes, hidden deep beneath the chaos of my mind. This is the creation of thoughts and feelings fused together. A manifestation of something incorporeal but cursed with an endless succession of bad luck. There, the one-eyed moon stares down at every creature and the wings of passion are forever bind by the chains of agony. A pool of water forms from the tears of heaven and blood is what sprinkles the earth. The kind of world that now belongs to the distant past, inexistent, hanging in the sky, only but a reflection of something about to come.

There is a blinding light that overwhelms all emotions, and voices are faintly singing in a language I do not understand. For a moment, it is hard to close one’s eyes and I seem to forget about my troubles. There is a faint silhouette who beckons me to come closer. A warm feeling cradled my heart so intimately by merely looking at your clear piercing eyes. I thought I had already seen them in my childhood dreams or from a time in the past I can no longer remember. Still, I know that voice resembles someone else’s so well. Why am I reminded of a scenery that seems to be made up of things I can’t even see? I had thrown away so much but when I look at you I thought it was all in vain. Something is always coming back and now I can glimpse the other side of midnight. Almost sadly, the blinding light disappears with the swirl of doves. Now silence ensued as I turn my eyes to the wonderful cascades of pure will and glowing wishes. Farewell to you. Someday, for sure, you and I will meet again.

To the other side of the night sky, To the distant silver horizon, I want to become the wind That accompanies the stardust’s song. Brimming memories in the midst of bedlam, I can almost hear the faint cry Of a soul trapped in the cage of torment And although thousand days have passed, You still wander, searching, For the one place you can’t find And for an image that slowly fades. Chase after a vanishing dream with weakened knees... What is kindness? Loneliness that never ceases, Eyes that only reflect the enmity of humanity, Embracing a scarlet destiny, With hands that are blood-stained But your heart is wounded. When visions pass, or emotions arise Unfurl your wings once more To someone who care To someone you care Whoever that may be Wherever there may be

Time is passing so fast. It is not something that can be stopped. It seems to me that it is all that moves, leaving me behind, racing past me. But nothing seems to change… I wake up in the morning, go to school, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep, and the same again the next day. Then I think about the fact that there are numbers of people who do the same thing. That’s right. I’m not the only one who goes through this. But isn’t it tiresome to do things over and over again? I feel like I’m missing something every time. I’m not sure what to do, but I still wonder if this is alright as it is. But when something is ruined or lost, I feel like I would notice how happy daily life could be. Yet the future exists… and people’s worries continue to grow… so do mine. One shouldn’t expect it to be just me who succumbs to these kinds of thoughts. Everyone has them. But most people live their lives without being mindful of these things. That’s why they become lonely, and life becomes monotonous. It

Yesterday to forgive, tomorrow to love. I guess I’m being unreasonable or maybe… hopeful. I don’t know. Why should things like that have to matter? Somebody is always… I just remembered something precious. What was it? It was about someone very special. When I think about him, I feel that something important has to be deal with. About my feelings… can I believe in them? Trust… What a sweet word. But it is something I cannot readily give away so easily. Not to anyone… So why does he has such an effect on me? Maybe because I see myself in him. But are we the same in the first place? If you would be by my side… That person, did I see him from within my heart? I wonder if I can fall in love with him. My wish… Yes, that is our wish. Wishes do come true. Please, bequeath this wish even if today’s memories go away. Let them reach him. It doesn’t matter how long it will take because that time will surely come…and when it does, we will surely understand.

It was never been easy growing up with a sense of being an ‘inferior’. It constantly reminds me of a well-known fact– that we humans, no matter how powerful or famous we are on earth, are just insignificant specks when exposed to the vastness of the universe. And when they die, they take with them nothing. People are different from each other- have different beliefs, different ways of life and different mindsets- but they are similar in one thing: they do not know what they really want. …And it’s very hard to please them. You feed them with knowledge, with principles, with goodness, but they still crave for more even though they feel like already throwing up. How pathetic. When I’m alone, I always reflect on so many things and always find for something that will raise my curiosity. I have been shy all my life, and almost contemptuously labelled this as an ‘emotional disability’. It may sound pathetic to other people, but this perhaps is the worst kind of feeling that a person could pos